The Breakdown Before the Breakthrough
Welcome back to the porch. Today we'll talk about the next part of the deconstruction journey: surrendering control to natural shifts and trusting the timing of your personal evolution.
Keep in mind that for me, even though I deconstructed from religion, I still felt that I was meant to walk a spiritual path, and I have an interest in esoteric topics and astrology. That is the lens from which I speak. I won't tell you how to surrender control; instead, I'll share my story and how I was forced to surrender.
Surrendering Control
In 2020, I went through my Saturn return. For those who do not know, a Saturn return is an astrological transit that happens when the planet Saturn moves back to the exact Zodiac position it held when you were born. The first return happens between the ages of 27 and 30, forcing a shift out of youth and into full adulthood, shifting your focus towards career, deep-seated boundaries, independence, and core life choices. My Saturn is in Aquarius in the tenth house, so the core lesson of my transit was to dismantle (literally deconstruct 😂) societal conditioning, claim my authentic authority as an independent leader in my life, and hold space for the collective while maintaining firm emotional boundaries.
At that time, life became a complete breaking point for me. We were shut down due to COVID. I was working as a service coordinator for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities, with increased work demands due to working from home. I was finishing my Master's degree; I separated from the kids' father and moved us into a new home (so now a single mom of 3), managing frequent medical appointments for my two-year-old, who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and later autism (major autistic meltdowns and behaviors), homeschooling my then first-grader with learning differences, juggling a baby under one, all while navigating a painful friendship breakup after realizing my best friend was a toxic energy vampire.
On top of all that, I was sensing things energetically that I could not explain. My strongest clair at the time, clairscientience (the ability to feel and sense physical or emotional energies around you so deeply that they manifest internally), was activating. My social anxieties skyrocketed, heavily fueled by postpartum anxiety that went completely unrecognized by my therapist, psychiatrist, pastor, family, and friends. I was trying to keep a Christian framework while experiencing spiritual phenomena that I did not understand.
The moment of complete surrender came when I experienced a sexual assault in January of 2021. With the trauma, broken relationships, and isolation, I had no one to lean on except for myself. I felt as though I was losing my mind. I took medication for anxiety and depression while seeing a psychiatrist who suggested that I may have borderline personality disorder without taking into consideration my neurodivergence, being postpartum, having PTSD, and experiencing a new significant trauma. I was completely burned out and unable to hold the weight of it all anymore.
Trusting the Timing of My Personal Evolution & Allowing Natural Shifts
When you have been taught your whole life to "give it to God," surrendering becomes complicated when the God you grew up with no longer holds for you. I stopped resisting the urge to find spiritual meaning that made sense to me. I began researching the origins of the Bible, then Hecate and moon- centered practices, and ultimately West African Traditions. Returning to the roots of what my ancestors practiced finally offered a space of healing and peace.
My natural shift officially began when I stopped fighting the transition and joined a group where I took classes on spiritual healing, holistic wellness, ancestor veneration, and reconnecting with what I felt were the missing pieces of my spirit.
What This Means for Your Journey
You do not need to walk a spiritual path or hold specific beliefs to experience the necessity of surrendering control. Deconstruction is simply the psychological and practical act of dismantling structures that no longer serve your well-being.
When the external frameworks you relied on collapse (when the rules feel unfair, when you feel stuck in cycles you cannot force closed, or when outer authority figures lose their validity), you are forced to build a new framework that establishes your own schema and restores a sense of feeling whole and complete. Surrender is not giving up.
Instead of fighting the urge to expand past those rigid boundaries or trying to force new realities into old molds, give yourself permission to explore other arguments, schools of thought, and avenues that bring true internal balance and clarity. Stepping into cyclic living means honoring those shifts and allowing your self-worth to be enhanced rather than suppressed.
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